That is a seemingly bold statement, as most girls don’t claim it. Intelligence is bold while women are beheld; if I want to be what women are, why be so bold?
Well, my heart was born beating boldly, and my brain follows suit- I have intelligence. It’s a scary armor that has seen me through many battles, and yet it creates many battles all the same.
Because I’m a smart girl, I like to get to the bottom of things. I’m analytical, systemic, and clever to the point of flirting with madness at times. So when something confuses me, I’m both intrigued and devastated. The source of confusion has the opportunity to be either my prize or my sweetest downfall.
I do not think the world is black and white. We are made in Christ’s image, but veiled in the sin of our humanity. In the wake of such duality, the world is many hues of grey. As a smart girl in a grey world, I seek to find one shade or the other: black or white. So what does one do when faced with the fact that some things are just…grey?
Some people seem to know their calling; I fear I fill God’s mouth with my own words.
Some people seem to know who to fall in love with; I'm skeptical of my own emotions.
Some people seem to know Jesus better than me; what if I’m that one false disciple at the gates of heaven making my plea only to hear Christ say, “I never knew you; away from me.”
Some things are grey, namely myself. It breaks my heart when I can’t figure out this cognitive playground we call Creation, but what stings the greatest is my failure to tell what’s black and what’s white about me. That’s enough to make a smart girl feel pretty stupid.
I often wish I held the redeeming response to all existing ambiguity. I often wish my smarts extended themselves to cookie-cutter answers and clear pathways. I often wish the world were black and white. Yet if it were, that key element of Christ’s existence would be irrelevant. You know, that whole “resurrection” bit. If the world were black and white, He would have died for only the righteous, and He would have stayed forever dormant in that tomb. But instead, He died for all of the muddied souls that roam this grey world, and then He rose. He continues to rise up among the grey and bring light into dark.
That’s an act of love that I’ll forever fail to fully understand, but it’s the one sole thing of which I am absolutely sure.
great post.
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